The purpose of this blog entry is to prove conclusively that, just because you can read a recipe and follow it to the letter, doesn't mean you can cook.
After serving an Italian chicken dinner late in the afternoon in commemoration of Andrea Bocelli's 49th birthday, I gathered all my cookware, mixing bowls, utensils, and ingredients for my first attempt at building cannoli. Working nicely through my defective eyesight, I let the bread maker do the messy work at mixing the dough, only to read later that the beaten egg is supposed to be brushed on the outside of the pastry before frying, not mixed into the dough. The oil was already hot and I figured it couldn't hurt to at least try to see if it would work anyway. It didn't. No problem; I just rebuilt the dough according to the recipe, minus the egg, and while that was mixing I chopped the chocolate chips and some maraschino cherries to put in with the ricotta cheese mixture. Then I dumped the new dough out of the bread machine onto the counter, wondering what in the world I was going to do with all those crumbs. Hey, the recipe said press them together so that's what I did. I came up with ONE usable pastry so, very carefully, I slipped it into the hot oil. By that time, it was unwise to continue working in dim light so I turned the overheads on; I don't know what was worse, the pain and glare from the lights or the horrible mess I was making with the oil. The pastry came out looking like a shortbread cookie that met up with a steam roller ... pretty pathetic it was. The rest of the dough was deemed hopeless after I tried once more to make another one before the oil started smoking and spilling out onto the burner causing a moment of panic as flames began shooting up from the side of the pan. Even Signor Bocelli would agree it might have been a nice thought but it was time to quit, especially with the smoke alarm drowning out a half a CD of his music. All is quiet now, except the dishwasher graciously cleaning up half the mess I made. When it's finished, I have another load ready for it to start all over again. And what about the greasy mess? Guess that's why God invented Dawn dishwashing liquid. Next year I'll get my cannoli at Carraba's.
On Monday when Mike and I drove Mom down to Tucson to get her taxes done, we picked up Andy and Lily on the way and made a day of it at the Reid Park Zoo. Showing up with a service dog, I had a chance to talk to one of the park supervisors to receive instructions on where not to go with Sophie. Just out of curiosity, I asked about the rhinos and how long they've been there. He said the two of them arrived in 1978! The rhinoceros whose feelings I hurt was the same one I apologized to, and was the same one who I got to talk to this time. The weather was heating up so it was no surprise that they didn't care to leave their cool mud bath but, when I began talking to them, their ears were moving in circles as they took it all in. With no one else around to call the men in the little white coats to take away that crazy woman who talks to animals, I reassured them that they're two of the most beautiful creatures God ever created. When I stopped talking, their ears stopped moving ... three or four times that happened. Did they understand what I was saying? You never know!!
Well, it almost happened ... there was almost a time when I was happy I cut my hair. While on R&R in Vegas, I took leave of my senses and look what I did! I loved it ... for a few days, until it came time to wash it and blow dry it and curl it and worry about getting it wet ... what a pain! Was I stupid or what? It looks fine as long as I put a lot of work into it, but oh how I miss the wash it, braid it, sleep on it, and it's done. No work, no fuss, no worry. Oh, well ... two more years and I'll have it back and, meanwhile, maybe a young child will be able to put it to good use through Locks Of Love. Why is it I've never been able to remember my own advice, even with so much experience behind it? SIGH!
I've been asked to relate the tale of the rhino's hurt feelings ... Well ...
This story convinced me beyond all doubt that animals understand every word we say. I took my little boys to Reid Park Zoo in Tucson when they were very young. As we reached the white rhino enclosure, one of them walked over to the edge like he was trying to be friendly. Right up close, I looked him square in the face and told him he was the ugliest creature I had ever seen in my life. I'm telling you the truth ... his head hit the ground. He was crushed!! He turned and walked away, leaving me with the worst case of the guilts that lingered for several years. One day we went back to the zoo and a rhino (who knows if it was even the same one) was already grazing over by the fence. If I thought I could've gotten away with it, I'd have jumped the fence and given that animal a hug. Instead, I told him how very very sorry I was for making such a cruel remark ... he really wasn't ugly in the least. God made him very special and very beautiful, and he should be proud to be a rhinoceros. He looked at me and, no kidding, he raised his head up, his eyes were twinkling, and I thought he was going to dance! I'm still ashamed to have made the unkind remark in the first place but I was grateful for the chance to atone for it, and now I have a genuine appreciation for rhinos as the truly unique animals God created them to be.
1--Jesus is first in my life.
2--Family is second.
3--I'm a very happily married homemaker.
4--There aren't very many things I like better than chocolate.
5--I'm not afraid of color but I hate orange.
6--There has never been a time when I was happy I cut my hair.
7--I can't be bothered with make-up.
8--Star-gazing on a dark night is awesome!
9--There are 814 Beanie Babies in my bedroom.
10--I've kissed my husband at the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris, France.
11--I'm highly allergic to the sun.
12--My nephew's six cats are all named after comic book characters.
13--Some amount of alone time every day is an absolute must-have.
14--I'm a descendant of Lord Fergus McCubbin of Scotland.
15--The only thing purely Irish in me is my temper.
16--For the most part, I prefer being quiet and invisible.
17--My brother is a slot machine tech at a casino in Vegas.
18--I dabble a little bit in quilting but generally hate sewing.
19--I adore waterfalls.
20--I kept guinea pigs for sixteen years.
21--I used to be afraid of heights and flying but not anymore.
22--I'm fairly proficient at Braille.
23--I have a moral aversion to dunking Oreo cookies in milk.
24--Anything with mayonnaise or equiv is disgusting, including ranch dressing.
25--I'm at my functional best when it's between 50 and 60 degrees.
26--My husband proposed to me 23 years after we got married.
27--I've seen Aurora Borealis but would love to see it once more before I die.
28--I can play a bodhrán (an Irish frame drum) ... not an expert, just basic.
29--My sister is a professional dog whisperer and trainer.
30--I've been creatively writing since age 8.
31--I'm severely monofocal.
32--Volunteering at the hospital gift shop is my "playtime".
33--99% of the time I despise wearing dresses.
34--I love dollar stores.
35--I've written one novel and am currently working on its prequel/sequel.
36--The first novel took fifteen years to write.
37--I have over 24 million points at Bejeweled 2, Endless.
38--I've won over 100 ribbons at the AZ State Fair.
39--Through trial and error for a year, I developed a perfect zucchini bread recipe...
40--...so obviously I love to bake.
41--I know how to decorate cakes.
42--My favorite Baskin-Robbins flavor is German Chocolate Cake.
43--There are 11 years between my sister and me.
44--My sister was married 11 years before me.
45--There are nearly 11 years between my sister's oldest son and mine.
46--There are nearly 11 years between my sister's youngest son and mine.
47--My AZ living room is decorated like a Pacific NW wildlife lodge.
48--I once hurt a rhinoceros's feelings and atoned for it years later.
49--I hate practical jokes.
50--I'm addicted to Fill-It-In puzzles.
and a bonus 51--On our 25th wedding anniversary, my husband and I reaffirmed our marriage vows, of all places, outside the cell house at Alcatraz. (We decided on our trip to San Francisco that, wherever we were at 1:30pm on our anniversary day, we'd renew our vows there ... and that's where we were.)
The purpose of this blog entry is to prove conclusively that, just because you can read a recipe and follow it to the letter, doesn't mean you can cook.
